UFC 121

Back to back fight weekends FTW!

Jon Madsen vs. Gilbert Yvel: Madsen goes on the same list of cheaters for me as Josh Koscheck.  In Madsen’s first fight on TUF Season 10, he put his hand up at the start of the second round to tap gloves, and when his opponent put his hand up, Madsen shot in for a takedown.  What’s worse is that it actually won him the fight.  Gilbert Yvel eats bees.  Sadly though, Madsen is going to win this fight.

Chris Camozzi vs. Dong Yi Yang: Yang is making his UFC debut with an undefeated record.  Chris Camozzi looks exactly like my friend Nate, so obviously I’m rooting for him in this fight.  We didn’t get to see much of him in his brief time on TUF, due to a fractured jaw in his first fight, so this should be an interesting fight of two relatively unseen fighters.

Patrick Cote vs. Tom Lawlor: Lawlor made me a fan since his Dan Severn impersonation.  I’m going with Lawlor in this one.  Cote just doesn’t seem like he has the eye of the tiger.

Court McGee vs. Ryan Jensen: I’ve gotta go with McGee on this one, and not just because I’m a fan.  McGee wants it bad.  Ryan Jensen has been around for a while, but if you look at his record, and look at who he’s fought, you gotta know that he’s probably one loss away from looking for a new job.  It’s not that he has a terrible record, but after re-signing with the UFC, he’s 2-2, and despite a Submission of the Night bonus in his last outing, he’s not exactly fighting the top guys in the middleweight division

Brendan Schaub vs. Gabriel Gonzaga: I’m really torn on this one.  Gonzaga is the veteran here, fighting the recent TUF 10 runner up Schaub.  I’ve gone back and forth on this one a lot, but I want to say that Schaub wins this one via TKO.

Tito Ortiz vs. Matt Hamill: Before the fight, Tito is going to talk about how he’s in the best shape of his career.  Hamill is going to destroy him, and then after the fight, Tito is going to talk about how he’s got some injury he was fighting with.  I’d say that Dana should tell Tito to retire, but I just don’t get tired of watching him get his ass kicked.

Diego Sanchez vs. Paulo Thiago: Diego Sanchez is going to gas out before the fight starts by running circles around the octagon yelling “YES!”  Thiago wins this one.

Jake Shields vs. Martin Kampmann: Shields

Brock Lesnar vs. Cain Velasquez: I have been saying for a while now that Cain Velasquez wins this fight based on three things:

1: Lesnar was out-matched on his feet with Mir, Couture, and Carwin

2: Lesnar was out wrestled by Couture

3: Velasquez will have much more gas in the later rounds

I have been saying that this fight is going to be a repeat of Carwin vs. Lesnar, except that Velasquez won’t punch himself out like Carwin did.  Velasquez has some serious cardio, is a fast heavyweight, and has wicked knock-out power.

Two other facts have me rethinking my position on this though.  First, Brock Lesnar has recovered from diverticulitis, a disease of which there was no known cure aside from surgery, without any surgery at all.  Now, the medical world is aware of one cure for it:  Brock Lesnar.  Brock reached his giant Volkswagen sized fist down his throat, and beat it into submission, and then crapped it out.  Brocks beat up, diverticuli-terd is now making a run at the light-heavyweight title.

The second fact, and far more important, is that in all of his training and studying of the martial arts world, he has learned the most ancient, and devastating source of power in the history of the universe.  This is something that most know, but few understand.  Brock Lesnar has harnessed the power of the beard.

Don’t laugh.  Look no further than the most powerful human in history, Chuck Norris.  Once upon a time, a battle took place of such magnitude that it threatened to tear the earth in two.  This event was documented as “Way of the Dragon.”  Bruce Lee fought a then beard-less Chuck Norris, and in the end, Bruce Lee proved triumphant.  Later, Chuck Norris would discover the power of the beard, and the whole world remembers what happened then, right?  That’s right, Bruce Lee died.

I’m going with Cain Velasquez, unless Lesnar keeps the beard for fight night, and then I think we all know how that will go down.

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How To Sell Anything On Craigslist

It’s not often that I have stuff that I list on Craigslist.  I love Craigslist, but I have the uncontrollable ability to create a sentimental attachment to something as mundane as a beer coozie from the movie Thinner.  I’m pretty sure that my wife occasionally throws away piles of my sentimental garbage, and I’m definitely not going to ever notice the absence of my Star Wars Pogs or the two boxes marked “sentimental t-shirts” (or so you thought, eh hunny?), and I’m probably better for it.  Occasionally though, I do have something really useful that I don’t need cluttering up my house anymore, and being that I lack the mental capacity to take anything seriously, I posted this ad:

Wireless AV Send/Receive unit – $60

AVS-5811 5.8GHz Wireless sending and receiving unit. Never been used, still in box. Send AV signal wirelessly to another TV in your house. Paid $130 new. Box includes one sending unit, one receiving unit, power adapters, 2x RCA cables, and IR mouse. Don’t want to miss any of the game while you’re in the kitchen fixing up a snack and grabbing another cold one? Everybody else watching the kick-off while you’re still flipping burgers on the grille? Game just went into overtime, and you’ve had a turtle-head since half-time? Now you can be the coolest guy you know and put a TV anywhere you want without having to run any cable. Send that signal magically through the air and not only be the envy of your friends on game night, but never miss another minute of the game because you lacked the necessary foresight to avoid Chinese buffet on Saturday night. You’re still going to spend all day Sunday on the shitter, but bring a bowl of pretzels and a few beers my friend, because you’ll be sitting front row.

E-mail with any questions.


It’s Monday night, and you’ve been locked into having a night with just you and that special lady in your life (no, not your mom). You don’t want to miss the game, but that big screen in your living room is playing a romantic comedy tonight, and there is no way around it. You my friend, are a hero to all men now though, because with your new Wireless AV unit, you can tune that TV in your kitchen onto the game and while she thinks your waiting on her every wish and spoiling her rotten, you’re checking in on the scores every few minutes.

“Another glass of bubbly? Let me get it.”

“Popcorn? I’ll make some.”

“glass of wine and some chocolates? Be right back.”

“Yeah, I have a condom, wait right here”

The possibilities are endless, and it all starts by putting 3 twenties into this man’s hand.

I decided it was probably worth sharing with the world, and considering the entire world reads this blog, it seemed like a good place for it.  The last time I posted something on Craigslist was an ad for my Keurig coffee maker that was so great that it sold in 45 minutes.  It was, in fact, the greatest pile of words ever woven together in the history of written language, so I knew that I needed to find it and post it up here alongside this one.  Conveniently, it’s nowhere to be found to back that claim.    So, I fired this e-mail off to Craigslist to see if I could convince them to recover it for me:

To: help@craigslist.org
Subject: Fwd: POST/EDIT/DELETE : (appliances) Keurig with accessories – Like New

I’m trying to get the content of this ad I posted back in May and I’m hoping you can send me a copy of it.  It’s extraordinarily important that I find it.  I thought I had a copy of it somewhere, but alas, I have nothing.  Without this, I will be plunged into the deepest depths of sadness and sorrow. I will plod purposelessly through my remaining days, an empty hollow shell of the man I once was.  Possessing neither the will to go on, nor the courage to end it, my mind and body will slowly wane and decay like an old twisted tree felled into damp earth, in the deepest, dankest wood.  You alone now posses the power to save this man’s soul.  You are the chosen one, and it is now up to you to fulfill your destiny.

Go forth now Chosen One.  Be a champion.  Nay, A Hero.

Sadly, the deafening silence that followed leaves us only to assume that the once great hero has fallen, never to be seen or heard from again.

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Fight Night!

Fight night at our house!  We’re going to use our imaginations now to help me illustrate to you the magic that is fight night at our house.  Start by closing your eyes and picturing your house.  Now that we’ve left behind everybody who actually closed their eyes, imagine your house, only more awesome, because we’re talking about my house, which as it turns out is the greatest place on earth.  In your spacious and tastefully decorated living room is a crew of your best buddies jumping out of their seats and high-fiving each other, watching a 120” HD screen, in front of a spread of chicken wings, popcorn, and nachos.  You all drink heartily, and yell at your screen while the people on it beat each other up.  It’s like a having your very own Miller commercial every few weeks, but better.

Everybody chips in on the pay-per-view, and now you can afford to watch every single event too.  What’s more awesome than that?

Is Oscar here your main weiner man?

You might think that the answer to that question is being 16 and beating up Roy Stalin, and Roy’s Ski Buddy #1 with your best friend,  in front of cute girls you just took to the movies, then leaving friend and girls at friends house because you have to work early in the morning, only to trip over a 24 pack of beer on the walk home which prompts you to immediately return to friends house, kick open the door with beer raised triumphantly over your head and proclaim “Fuck work, this is the best night ever!”?

Nope.  Been there.  More awesome than that.  UFC Fight Night FREE on Spike!  Wait, more awesome than that even?  Not possible you say?  How about UFC Fight Night, followed by the season 12 premier of The Ultimate Fighter.  Now we’re talkin!

I’m not going to spend a lot of time talking about the earlier fights, beyond saying that if you have the opportunity to watch Efrain Escudero vs. Charles Oliveira, do it.  Oliveira ended the fight with a  takedown so amazing that when Efrain Escudero got up he was in Strikeforce.

Nate Marquardt vs. Rousimar Palhares: The main event!  I thought Palhares would come away with the win, but just as Marquardt slipped out of a signature Palhares heel hook, Palhares stopped, looked up at the ref, and started pointing at Marquardt.  Marquardt saw in that split second that the ref wasn’t stepping in to stop him, so while Palhares wasn’t looking, he socked Palhares a few times in the face to end it.  Palhares was trying to say that Marquardt had greased his legs.  Marquardt was checked immediately, and was not cheating, just sweaty.

Nate Marquardt was just sweaty.  Joe Rogan immediately ruined a pair of underwear.  After changing his drawers, he tap-danced his way to the nearest tattoo parlor, giggling like a schoolgirl, to get a tattoo of Nate Marquardt’s legs wrapped around his neck.

The record is 6, but I think you can do 10.

You may not have ever noticed this, so I’ll fill you in.  We used to place bets on how quickly into a fight that Joe Rogan would mention how sweaty the fighters were, and how that was going to make a submission difficult.  It didn’t even matter if the fight didn’t go to the mat, Joe Rogan had a “sweaty guy comment” quota, and he was going to meet it.  It was like he had a bet with Mike Goldberg to see how many times he could mention it in one event.

This went on until Kenny Florian was standing in for Joe at an event a little over a year ago.  Goldberg actually said something like: “You know Kenny, this is usually where Joe mentions how sweaty these guys are and how difficult it makes submissions.”

Kenny, a BJJ black belt, pointed out that the opposite is often true and that it makes some submissions, especially chokes, easier to sink in.  Joe Rogan hasn’t even uttered the word “sweat” since, but expect him to mention it at least twice in every single fight for the next year or two to make up for lost time.  Thank you Nate Marquardt.

Right?  Nope, don’t thank Nate.  There was somebody else responsible for getting Nate the win.  Joe Rogan enters the octagon to do his interview of Marquardt after the win, and who does Marquardt thank?

“I just want to thank God”

Yup, God is smiling on you Nate Marquardt.  God wanted you to punch Rousimar Palhares in the face while he was accusing you of cheating.  Rousimar Palhares, I don’t know what you did, but clearly God hates you.  I know a lot of fighters thank God for their wins, but have you ever thought about exactly what they are thanking him for:

“Yeah, I just want to thank God for helping me to break that guys orbital with my elbow.”

“Thanks Joe, I just really want to thank God.  It was part of his plan tonight that I choke this guy unconscious for your entertainment and a few thousand bucks in my pocket.  Thanks big guy!”

“I just want to thank God.  He made my legs extra slippery so that I could get out of that heel hook and punch that guy in the face while he wasn’t looking.”

Clearly this is the old testament “fire and brimstone” God, and not the modern Birkenstock wearing, “peace and love” Jesus of the 21st century.  That guy loves everybody.  Even Josh Koscheck.

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Dragonforce – Ultra Beatdown – A Review

Dragonforce’s latest album delivers exactly what you would expect.  If Slayer had an orgy with Journey, and Square Enix made a video game about it, this would be the soundtrack.  I would only hope that in this game you had something that let you travel at light-speed, because what I took from this album was that everything in the Dragonforce Universe is really far apart.

My review, track by track:

1 – so far beyond, so far away

2 – so far away

3 – a thousand miles away, far across the land, so far from

4 – light-years away

5 – so far beyond

6 – so far away, miles away

7 – so far away

8 – far beyond, million miles away

Bonus Tracks – apparently left off the main release because of their poor attempt to illustrate just how far apart everything is in the Dragonforce Universe.

9 – marching forever on – it’s a stretch, but they use the word Ninja 5 times in 3 minutes of song to make up for it

10 – mostly about being trapped.  Seems like a lost opportunity to “want to get so far away”.  They talk about being lost in the universe though, which seems like about as far away from anything as you can get.  This is perhaps an advanced form of so-far-away-ism that requires one more studied than myself.

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UFC 118 Post-Fight

I’ll say this up front: I am not a reporter, I am a fan.  You will be subjected to my every bias.  From my man-cave I regularly boo, applaud, and heckle my TV screen like I was sitting ringside.  If you would rather read a dry, impartial sports report from somebody with a degree in journalism, go pickup a newspaper, and then think long and hard about how you let yourself become such a boring loser.

Joe Lauzon vs. Gabe Ruediger: There were a few injuries that changed up the preliminary card, and as a result, there really wasn’t a  fight on it that I gave a crap about.  That being said, this fight delivered, and even fetched Lauzon an extra 60k for submission of the night.  Ruediger stepped in to replace an injured Terry Etim, and from the opening of this fight, Gabe looked like a victim on Animals gone Wild.  Lauzon was all over his fellow TUF (The Ultimate Fighter) Season 5 fighter for 2:01 until finishing him with an arm-bar.  Ruediger should stop relying on enema’s to make weight and start actually training.

Nate Diaz vs. Marcus Davis: Nate Diaz could be on every single fight card, and I would never get tired of seeing him fight.  Both guys landed some big punches, but Diaz always had the upper hand, and it looked like the ring Doc might stop the fight after Marcus Davis was cut both above and below his right eyebrow.  Coming into the 3rd round you could even hear Marcus Davis get a warning from Yve Levine to “protect that eye” which was now cut and very swollen.  Despite his dominance on his feet, Diaz reminded us that he’s a jiu jitsu guy, and ended it 4 minutes into the 3rd round with a guillotine that Marcus Davis decided not to tap-out to.  I will always remember Marcus Davis for once thanking his plastic surgeon after one of his wins.  After the beating he took from Diaz, he’s going to be paying his surgeon another visit.  Fortunately, he’ll be able to afford it as these two won an extra 60k each for Fight of the Night, and they earned it.

Kenny Florian vs. Gray Maynard: I thought for sure Kenny would be the guy to hand Gray his first loss.  This isn’t just because I’m a fan of Florian, I just really thought that Maynard was going to be out classed.  I also thought this had the potential for Fight of the Night, but really this was a pretty uneventful 3 round decision for Gray Maynard.  It looks like Florian may just have A-Rod syndrome as this isn’t the first time he appeared to just choke under pressure.  Maynard’s next fight will now be for the Lightweight Title, and at 11-0 I guess he deserves it.  I can’t say I dislike Gray Maynard, he’s just completely unexciting.  Watching him fight is better than not watching a fight, but you really just wish things would move along to the main event.  He’s like a really bad hand-job.  No, he’s not that memorable either.

Demian Maia vs. Mario Miranda: This one was only disappointing because originally Maia was supposed to be fighting Alan Belcher.  Now THAT would have been a GREAT fight.  Belcher got injured, so instead we got to watch Maia manhandle Super Mario both standing and on the mat for 15 minutes.  Hopefully we’ll still get to see Maia vs. Belcher.  I’m a huge Belcher fan, and not only because he has a tattoo of Steve Schirripa.

Alan Belcher's Tattoo... Man in Black? -or- Steve Schirippa?

Randy Couture Vs. James Toney: An elite boxer enters MMA for the first time.  OMG!  We’ll all finally know what combat sport is supreme!  OK, seriously though, if that were the case, James Toney, a Heavyweight title holder in the boxing world, would have actually fought Brock Lesnar, the Heavyweight Champion in the UFC.  It would have been great to see Toney pull off the win and then fight Lesnar, if only to watch him frantically trying to climb over the top of the cage like Robert Shaw trying to scramble up the deck of The Orca while Jaws is eating his legs.

Toney wasn’t going to come to the UFC and fight a champion though, and I will tell you why:  James Toney cannot beat ANY title holder in ANY weight division in the UFC.  This one went down almost exactly how I called it.  I said Couture would get a takedown early, pound him a little, and win with a rear naked choke.  What actually happened was Toney came out in a traditional boxing stance, and Randy got him with a single-leg takedown in about the first 10 seconds.  Then he pounded him for about 3 minutes before submitting him with an arm-triangle.

Frankie Edgar vs. BJ Penn: What really struck me as funny was that they gave Toney better odds than they gave Frankie Edgar the first time Edgar fought Penn.  Even as the defending Champion, Frankie Edgar was still the underdog in his second fight against BJ Penn.  I didn’t expect Frankie to beat BJ the first time they fought, but I still thought that everybody was grossly underestimating his abilities.  Nobody should underestimate Frankie Edgar anymore as this time he was even more dominant.  He had one take-down in their first fight, and this time around he was practically taking Penn down at will, and totally dominating the stand-up portion of the fight.  Another unanimous decision for an impressive Frankie Edgar.

So what happens now?

Edgar vs. Maynard is going to be interesting as Maynard is already responsible for Edgar’s one loss

Penn vs. Florian again?  Penn vs. Gomi?  Florian vs. Sotiropoulos?

Demian Maia vs. Alan Belcher – hopefully

Mario Miranda – nobody cares

Marcus Davis – could retire.  I like the guy, but he’s not getting any younger, or better.  There is probably a career waiting for him as a pirate as he will probably need an eye patch after what Diaz did to his right eye.

Nate Diaz vs. Matt Hughes?  Dana, Joe, make this happen.

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Face Punching for the Greater Good

I love fighting.  Seriously though, who doesn’t love to see a good fight?  Boxing, MMA, and the NHL have proven that loads of people love to watch two guys (or gals) duke it out.

I’ve got a bit of a confession though: I love to fight.  Now, I don’t wake up in the morning and say “Boy, I’d love to be punched in the face today”, but it’s sort of like paying $20 to see Avatar at the 3D IMAX.  I could have done without a punch in the face, but it’s worth it for what I consider the main attraction:  Punching somebody else in the face.

Some of you are now reading this and saying “what a barbarian”, at best.  It’s ok, I can take a bit of name calling, hell, I can even take punches in my face.  But don’t run away yet, I’m going to explain to you why you too should enjoy the fine art of face punching, and how it can make the world a better place.  For those of you reading who already understand the benefits of this ancient art form, keep agreeing and nodding and read on, there is something here for you too.

I’m not talking about being a bully, or throwing a fist at any unsuspecting bystander.  After all, we’re the good guys, right?  I’m talking about those situations where somebody really needs to show up to work on Monday explaining to his coworkers why they have a shiner.  I’ll give you an example to help illustrate:

–          You and your girlfriend/wife are out on the town, having a few cocktails at the bar.  On her way back from the bathroom, some fine upstanding gentleman decides that you’re wife looks like the type of gal who likes to be grabbed a bit while being “complimented” on her figure.  Unfortunately, he has had too many drinks to pick up on the very subtle hints of “get the fuck away from me” that your wife is giving him.

Like every other situation in life, you are left with a few options.  There are two in my eyes:

Face Punching also wins you the girl in the end. Think about your children's future.

1.  Quote Crispin Glover: “Hey you…get your damn hands off her!”  Then smash him in the face.

2.  Say nothing.  Then smash him in the face.

And there it is!  That sweet magical moment of satisfaction!  Those of you who have been there before know exactly what I’m talking about.  Even if this guys friends beat you up afterward it doesn’t matter because cemented in your memory will be that moment when fist hit face.

Some people might just leave and find another place to hang out.  Chances are that’s exactly what you are going to need to do after punching some guy in the face anyway, so I see no need to skip that step.  You will be contributing to humanity by making that guy think twice before being such a douche bag again, or at the very least, he will make sure that you and your significant other aren’t around first.

Is your story going to be about all the times you wish you had done something, or about all of the times you did?

Comment with your own stories of Face Punching, or even times when you should have punched somebody in the face.  I’d love to hear it!  If you’re not sure if a situation called for a punch in the face, post it and let our expert panel (me) decide for you.

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