Volkmann vs. Obama: Fight Confirmed by UFC and White House

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Most have now seen the video of Jacob “Christmas” Volkmann calling out Barack Obama for his next fight.  Just days after Volkman’s split decision victory of Antonio McKee, Volkmann was visited at his gym by one of Obama’s agents to work up a contract for the fight.  With celebrities like Brock Lesnar, Herschel Walker, and Jose Canseco making their way into MMA, it should be no surprise that the current President of the United States would want to join in on what has become the fastest growing sport in America.

Volkmann, a practicing Chiropractor, entered the UFC with an impressive 9-0 record, but stumbled in his first two outings against two very tough competitors in the 170lbs division, Paulo Thiago, and Martin Kampmann.  Since then, the 3-time NCAA All American made the cut down to the 155lbs division and has gone unbeaten in his 3 fights at that weight class.  Volkmann has some momentum behind him, and by the sounds of things in his interview with Ariel Helwani, this fight is more than just another chance to compete; it’s personal.


(Volkmann calls him out around the 3:00 mark)


Barack “Da Rock” Obama is coming into this fight undefeated in his MMA career.  Originally from Hawaii, where other such MMA standouts BJ Penn, Kendal Grove, and Chris Leben call home, the 6’ 1½” Obama seems as confident as ever going into the fight.

“Volkmann will wish he had Universal Health Care when I’m finished with him!  You asked for Da Rock, and you got him baby.  I’m going to introduce you to the Czar of Pain!”

Not known for getting into a war or words before a fight, Volkmann has stated that he feels a win over Obama will help get him one more step closer to the title, but did add that more than anything, he just wants to “knock some sense into that idiot.”

With 3 fights now at lightweight, Volkmann is quite comfortable with the weight cut.  Rumors had been going around that Obama had been struggling to make 155lbs, and had even resorted to skipping meals, but it has been recently revealed that “Da Rock” has begun work with Mike Dolce to get his weight down to 155 more easily.

Expect Obama to use his significant reach advantage to keep Volkman at the end of his punches, and try to put him away early.  We saw Obama go the distance with Hillary Clinton, but not with this kind of weight cut.  Volkmann will know that taking Barack Obama into deep water will be the path to victory in this fight, so expect him to try to close the distance, tie him up, and take the President down to the mat.

“I’m a chiropractor.  I know the healthcare situation is not good, but he’s making it worse.  So as a doctor, I’m doing this fight for all the other doctors out there.  Despite how much you see of him on the TV, we don’t have a lot of fight footage to use to look for holes in the Presidents game.  He put McCain away pretty quickly, so there wasn’t a lot we could learn from watching that one. ”

“I’ve got two new members in my Cabinet for you Jacob Volkmann, (raises fists) Death and Destruction!  You’re going to wish you had your own Secret Service to protect you when they close that cage door!”

It also seems like no coincidence that the White House has recently begun talking about creating a department to oversee the sport of Mixed Martial Arts.  This department would remove the power of the individual states to regulate the sport, and give the Federal Government control of the Unified Rules.  Rumor has it that Steve Mazzagatti will be Obama’s appointed Czar of MMA.

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3 Responses to Volkmann vs. Obama: Fight Confirmed by UFC and White House

  1. Shane says:

    I think this fight is Da Rock’s fight to win or lose, all depending on his first round. He’s definitely better on his feet than Volkmann, so expect him to lay on the punishment early. I see him using his jab and leg kicks to set up a quick, first-round flurry trying to put Volkmann away. He needs to be careful, though. He’s been known to gas out the longer a fight lasts. If we see Volkmann survive two Vitor-Belfort-esque striking attacks, he’ll take the victory, 29-28 all around. I don’t see Volkmann being able to put away the president, but in the later rounds a decision in his favor is almost guaranteed.

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  3. TBURD says:

    The department has already been formed. It will be Obama’s Department of Mixed Martial Arts(ODOMMA). Following in the footsteps of the Nobel Prize Panel, Obama’s ODAMMA has actually made their first decision and given the win to Da Rock even though he hasn’t done a goddam thing.
    They cited his uncanny abilities to…. bob…. weave…. avoid…. all the while knowing he doesn’t have much of a defense.
    On the topic of Czar of Mixed Martial Arts it is rumored it will be Wanderlei Silva. He will be chosen because of his superior communication skills rivaling those of Obama himself. http://www.youtube.com/v/eHgH5i8ug6E&autoplay=1&fs=1&autoplay=1
    Wanderlei will be known as “The COMMA”

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